Avoid These 2 Defensive Behaviors and Powerfully Transform Your Relationships

By Tara Rullo, LCSW

Defensiveness is lethal to relationships.

As a relationship therapist, I am trained to be on the lookout for defensive reactions when I’m working with couples. Longitudinal studies by Dr. John Gottman have shown that defensiveness is one of the predictors of divorce.

What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a reaction to feeling attacked. Most of the time, the urge to react defensively arises out of a sense of perceived threat in our relationships. Defensiveness is the rejection of responsibility by making the case, “It’s not me, it’s you!”

Have you ever felt this way? I know I have.

When someone complains about someone else, to me, I’m all ears. But when someone complains about me, to me, I have to work really hard not to react defensively.

Most people are unaware that there are two types of defensive reactions. Type 1 is easy to identify for what it is. Type 2 is more covert. Even with all of my training, when a skilled covert defender uses type 2, I sometimes miss calling it out in session.

No matter what type of defensiveness is used, the effect is the same: escalation of the conflict.

To become great at conflict resolution, learn to identify the two types of defensiveness. Then stop being defensive. (More on exactly how to do this later on!)

Type 1: The Counter Attack

Here’s the set up:

Jayson asks Lenny to stop leaving his wet towel on the bed after he showers.

Jayson: “I don’t like to have to clean up after you, but if I don’t then your towel makes the blanket wet.”

Type 1: A Defensive (Counter Attack) Looks Like This:

Lenny: “What are you talking about? I’m so much tidier than you are. I can’t believe you are complaining when I always have to pick your socks up off the bathroom floor.”

Let’s break this down.

The defensive counter attack denies the validity of the original topic.
We will not talk about my towel!

It completely avoids the opportunity to take responsibility.
I’m not the problem, your complaining is the real problem.

And for a cherry on top, it attacks the other person.
You’re the dirty one.

This strategy clearly leaves you worse off than when you started.

Type 2: The Innocent Victim

Let’s resume with the same set-up where Jayson is annoyed with the towel on the bed:

Jayson: “I don’t like to have to clean up after you, but if I don’t then your towel makes the blanket wet.”

Type 2: A Defensive (Innocent Victim) Response Looks Like This:

Lenny: “I’ll never be enough for you, will I? It’s like you don’t see anything I do for you. You’ll only ever see my faults.”

Let’s break this down.

The innocent victim approach also denies the validity of the original topic.
The towel is not a problem.

There is no sign of taking responsibility.
I do other things, therefore I don’t have to talk about this one thing you are asking for.

And the cherry on top here is a victimization one-upmanship.
Your frustration is nothing compared to the suffering I go through.

Assuming your partner isn’t a fully enlightened being or a relationship therapist who likes to work overtime in their own bedroom, your counter-attack or innocent victim defensiveness will result in:
• an escalated conflict
• more points of conflict to resolve
• an infuriated partner

If you can identify your own tendencies towards defensiveness in this article, don’t get too hard on yourself. Most of us learned these methods early on in life from adults who acted this way. The good news is that we can unlearn defensiveness.

The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility.

You may have some valid questions about that:
• How exactly do I take responsibility?
• What if I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong?
• When do I get to share my complaints with my partner?

I answer these questions and more in this article. Hint: the answer isn’t just agreeing 100% with what your partner is saying or asking for. You can maintain your own perspective and opinions while taking responsibility.