By Tara Rullo & Craig Selinger
When I was going through my own divorce, my number one fear—hands down—was how it would affect my kids. Not just emotionally, but academically, socially, in every way. I remember lying awake at night thinking, What if this messes them up? I had school-aged children at the time, and I knew how much the stability of our home had shaped their sense of safety in the world.
Years later, as a therapist who works closely with families navigating separation and divorce, I can tell you this: divorce doesn’t have to derail your child’s development. What matters most isn’t whether you’re divorced—it’s how you parent afterward. And that’s something you can influence.
Now is a good time to get more support for yourself and your children—whether through therapy, tutoring, support groups, or accessing the many resources available to families navigating divorce.
The book Putting Children First by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll was a lifeline for me both personally and professionally. It’s full of research-backed, compassionate advice for divorcing parents who want to protect their children’s well-being. One of the central messages is this: when parents work together—even from separate homes—kids feel safer, more secure, and more capable of thriving in school and life.
Here are some co-parenting strategies, drawn from both my own lived experience and the guidance of Putting Children First, that I often share with families in my practice. Craig Selinger from Themba Tutors has added additional insights on how these strategies directly impact academic support and the development of crucial skills like executive functioning and self-advocacy.
1. Create Consistency Across Homes
Kids do best when they know what to expect. Even if you and your co-parent have different styles—which, let’s face it, likely played some role in the divorce—try to align on some basic things like bedtime, screen time, homework routines, and school expectations. A little coordination can go a long way in helping your child feel grounded and supported. Pedro-Carroll emphasizes that this kind of consistency lowers anxiety and helps kids focus better in school.
Craig’s Insight: Beyond Consistency – Harmonizing Learning & Supporting Executive Function
From Themba Tutors’ perspective, this consistency is vital for building strong executive functioning skills – the mental processes that help us plan, organize, manage time, and complete tasks. When routines vary wildly between homes, it’s like asking a child to constantly switch operating systems, making it harder for them to develop consistent habits.
We advise parents to go a step further than just consistency and aim for a harmonized learning environment. This means not just similar bedtime or homework routines, but also a shared understanding of:
- How the child learns best: Are they a visual learner? Do they need frequent breaks? Sharing these insights helps both homes provide the most effective support.
- Organizational tools: Using the same type of planner, folder system, or digital calendar across both homes reduces confusion and reinforces good habits.
- Time management strategies: Agreeing on approaches to homework, like “chunking” large assignments into smaller, manageable parts, can significantly boost a child’s ability to plan and execute tasks.
- Designated study spaces: While not always possible, establishing a quiet, consistent place for homework in each home signals the importance of academics and helps children transition into “study mode.”
This level of harmonization ensures that academic strategies aren’t disrupted when a child moves between households, creating a more seamless and effective learning experience and strengthening those crucial executive function muscles.
2. Communicate About School — Not Through the Child
I’ve worked with kids who feel stuck in the middle, acting as messengers between parents. It’s too much for them. Instead, use shared calendars, a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard, or regular check-ins to stay on top of school news. When emailing tutors or teachers, consider copying both parents so everyone stays in the loop. It’s also essential to notify your child’s academic team that both parents should receive updates—this avoids confusion and keeps everyone aligned in supporting your child.
Craig’s Insight: Empowering Self-Advocacy through Direct Communication
This direct communication between co-parents is not just about logistics; it’s a powerful model for teaching children self-advocacy. When parents handle communication directly, it frees the child from the burden of being a go-between and allows them to focus on their own role in their education.
However, as they get older, children need to learn to speak up for themselves. Here’s how direct parental communication can eventually lead to greater child self-advocacy:
- Model good communication: When parents communicate respectfully and directly about school matters, children observe how to address issues constructively.
- Coach, don’t rescue: Instead of immediately contacting the teacher if your child forgot their homework, encourage them to write an email themselves (with your guidance) explaining the situation and asking for clarification.
- Practice problem-solving: “What’s your plan for catching up on that assignment?” or “How do you think you should approach your teacher about this?” are questions that empower children to think critically about solutions.
- Role-play difficult conversations: For older children, practicing how to ask a teacher for help, clarify an assignment, or advocate for an extension can build confidence and skills for real-life situations.
- Leverage Tutors as Communication Bridges: With parental permission, our tutors can also play a role in facilitating communication. We often observe specific academic patterns or challenges. A tutor can provide objective feedback to both parents and, importantly, also work with the child on how to articulate their needs and challenges directly to their teachers or parents. This collaborative approach strengthens their ability to advocate for themselves in academic settings.
3. Avoid Conflict in Front of the Child
This one’s tough, I know. But it’s crucial. Kids exposed to parental conflict are more likely to struggle with attention, anxiety, and behavior issues. Putting Children First strongly advises keeping conflict away from the child’s view. If things get heated, pause the conversation or have it in a private setting (or with a therapist or mediator if needed).
4. Celebrate Academic Wins Together
This was something I tried really hard to do with my co-parent: show up for the good stuff. Whether it was a great report card, a science fair, or finishing a book series, we made a point to both acknowledge it. Even a quick “Hey, Mom told me about your project—great job!” over the phone can go a long way.
And if you prefer not to attend the same events—like games or concerts—or aren’t in a place to have regular update conversations, that’s okay. You can still communicate and celebrate your child’s success in ways that feel respectful and manageable. Share photos or send a text update to keep the other parent in the loop. Your child benefits from knowing both parents are proud and paying attention, even from different places.
5. Coordinate Support for Challenges
If your child is struggling—whether it’s with math homework or anxiety—team up to find help. That might mean talking to teachers, hiring a tutor, or reaching out to a therapist. Kids feel safer and more supported when they see their parents responding as a team. For more ideas, check out our companion post, Supporting Your Child’s Academic Success After Divorce, co-written with our trusted partner Themba Tutors/Brooklyn Letters.
Craig’s Insight: Holistic Academic Support & Executive Function Coaching
When children face academic challenges, divorce can add another layer of complexity. At Themba Tutors, we emphasize that coordinated support goes beyond just finding a tutor for a specific subject. It often involves addressing underlying executive functioning challenges that can be exacerbated by family transitions.
Our approach often includes:
- Comprehensive Assessments: Identifying why a child is struggling – is it content knowledge, organizational issues, focus, or processing speed? A tutor can help pinpoint these areas.
- Executive Function Coaching: Many of our tutors are skilled in integrating executive function strategies directly into academic sessions. This means not just teaching math, but also teaching how to break down multi-step problems, manage study time, or organize notes for that math class. This is particularly important for children who might be feeling overwhelmed or less organized due to the changes in their home life.
- Skill Transfer: We work with students to ensure that organizational and planning skills learned in tutoring sessions are applied to other subjects and life areas, fostering true independence and self-management.
- Proactive Planning: If a child starts slipping in a subject, don’t wait for a report card. Proactively reaching out to the teacher and considering tutoring can prevent minor issues from becoming major struggles.
- Emotional-Academic Connection: We understand that academic struggles can often have emotional roots. Our tutors are trained to be sensitive to the child’s emotional state and, when appropriate, can collaborate with therapists (with parental permission) to ensure a holistic approach to the child’s well-being.
6. Focus on the Child’s Experience
This is the emotional heart of it. Divorce is hard. Co-parenting can stir up raw, unresolved feelings between you and your ex. But when it comes to parenting, try to center the question: What will help my child feel most supported right now? Not: What’s fair to me, or how do I prove my point? United co-parenting focuses on what our child needs from us, as parents.
Final Thoughts
Honestly, there are some co-parenting challenges that just don’t have neat solutions. For example, I’ll never forget the time I tried to follow the advice to “buy two of everything.” Sounds great in theory, right? But somehow, both baseball gloves and all the rain gear still frequently ended up at the wrong house. That said, while some of the daily chaos may be inevitable and feel out of control, there are things we can solve for. And working together as co-parents—especially when it comes to supporting our child’s emotional and academic life—is absolutely one of them.
Being “divorced but united” is about parenting with purpose—even when it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. You don’t have to be perfect. I wasn’t. But showing your child that you’re still a team when it comes to their well-being? That’s powerful.
Craig Selinger from Themba Tutors attests to similar, positive impacts from united co-parenting: I can wholeheartedly affirm that when co-parents commit to working together on their child’s academic and emotional journey, supporting their executive functioning and fostering their self-advocacy, the positive impact is immeasurable. It’s about demonstrating that even though the family structure may have changed, the unwavering, collaborative support for the child’s growth and well-being remains steadfast.
