How To Immediately Stop a Conflict From Turning Into a Full-Blown Fight
How To Immediately Stop a Conflict From Turning Into a Full-Blown Fight
By Tara Rullo, LCSW
A conflict is starting to simmer between you and your partner. Your voice takes on a sharper edge, each word tinged with irritation. You’re not loving that tone your partner is using either. The tension is becoming a palpable force in the room. You make a point which you feel should put an end to this back and forth, but it doesn’t land the way you had hoped, and now your partner is now staring at you with crossed arms.
This conversation, whatever it was about, is now teetering on the brink of a full-blown argument.
We all recognize this critical moment. This is a conflict crossroads where you have the power to de-escalate and steer towards a conversation with a mutual resolution, or amp up for a full-blown fight.
As a couples therapist, I witness couples at this crossroads frequently. A couple I saw last week, let’s call them Ann and Jackson, walked into the office still tense and angry after a fight the previous night.
The details of their conflict, like most conflicts, do not matter. They could have been fighting about finances, family obligations, household chores, or any other issue where they experience a difference of opinion. The essence of what I’m observing when I work with a couple is not what they disagree about but how they communicate their perspectives.
I asked them to revisit the conflict and they agreed. Jackson said he would begin. Immediately, he shifted his body slightly away from Ann, let out a big sigh, and started talking. Jackson had a lot to say about his experience and feelings. He rarely looked at Ann and gave no signs that he was winding down. I glanced over at Ann. Her facial muscles were tense, except for a slight twitch at her temples. Her right leg was jiggling.
Suddenly, she attempted to interrupt Jackson. He looked startled, as if he had forgotten she was even there.
“Can you just let me finish?” he blurted out.
“Let you finish?” she seethed. “I’ve been waiting all week for you to finish, but you never stop talking.”
STOP 🛑
I always pause couples at this juncture, helping them learn to stop rather than automatically escalate.
My advice for what to do after stopping is simple:
Listen for points of agreement.
In conflict, we often listen like courtroom lawyers, seeking evidence to build a case against each other. For example, if Ann and Jackson’s argument continues on its current path, they’ll both end up solidifying their stance on why the other is wrong. This “listening to win” approach leads nowhere.
On the other hand, listening for points of agreement means finding any aspect of your partner’s perspective or experience that you do agree with. Listening for agreement can mean you:
• Agree with their perception of the facts.
• Understand or empathize with their emotional experience.
• Relate to an aspect of their portrayal of the situation.
It turns out that we don’t need all that much agreement to de-escalate a conflict. Any olive branch in the form of agreement, empathy, or understanding cools down our fight-or-flight response system and allows us to reset our nervous system. Finding points of agreement is a tool that helps us perceive the other person as a friend instead of a foe.
Jackson understood the “listening to agree” concept when I explained it, and offered up a point of agreement first. “I know I talk a lot,” he said. “It comes from being nervous, and when I get going, I just find it hard to stop.” Once Jackson had agreed with Ann’s perspective that he was long-winded, Ann looked visibly relieved. Her body was calmer, and her head tilted towards him, listening.
I then asked Ann if there was anything she could agree with or understand from what Jackson had just said. “I understand that you’re nervous,” she said. “On some level, I know you are just trying to tell me how you feel. I get overwhelmed when you talk a lot, and then I get angry and lash out.”
Ann had offered agreement in the form of understanding Jackson’s nervousness in conflicts as well as acknowledging that her own angry response.
I asked them how they felt now compared to before they had found points of agreement. They both reported feeling calmer, more connected, and hopeful about being able to navigate the conflict together.
So if you skimmed up to this point here’s tl;dr:
Dos and Don’ts for conflict conversations:
• Don’t listen for all the reasons that your partner is wrong in a fight (unless you want to relate to one another like dueling courtroom lawyers).
• Do listen for anything you can agree with, understand or empathize with. Telling the other person that you agree with them, or understand them in some way will immediately de-escalate the conflict.
Since we’re not getting rid of conflict, we may as well get good at it! If you and your partner could use support to fight less and find ways to have productive conflict conversations, reach out to learn more about couples therapy with Middle Way Psychotherapy.
