By Tara Rullo & Craig Selinger
When I was going through my own divorce, my number one fear—hands down—was how it would affect my kids. Not just emotionally, but academically, socially, in every way. I remember lying awake at night thinking, What if this messes them up? I had school-aged children at the time, and I knew how much the stability of our home had shaped their sense of safety in the world.
Now, years later, as a therapist who works closely with families navigating separation and divorce, I can tell you this: divorce doesn’t have to derail your child’s development. What matters most isn’t whether you’re divorced—it’s how you parent afterward. And that’s something you can influence.
Now is a good time to get more support for yourself and your children—whether through therapy, tutoring, support groups, or accessing the many resources available to families navigating divorce.
The book Putting Children First by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll was a lifeline for me both personally and professionally. It’s full of research-backed, compassionate advice for divorcing parents who want to protect their children’s well-being. One of the central messages is this: when parents work together—even from separate homes—kids feel safer, more secure, and more capable of thriving in school and life.
Here are some co-parenting strategies, drawn from both my own lived experience and the guidance of Putting Children First, that I often share with families in my practice: As Craig Selinger from Themba Tutors, I’ve also added insights on how these strategies directly impact academic support and the development of crucial skills like executive functioning and self-advocacy.
1. Creating Co-Parenting Consistency Across Homes
Kids do best when they know what to expect. Even if you and your co-parent have different styles—which, let’s face it, likely played some role in the divorce—try to align on some basic things like bedtime, screen time, homework routines, and school expectations. A little coordination can go a long way in helping your child feel grounded and supported. Pedro-Carroll emphasizes that this kind of consistency lowers anxiety and helps kids focus better in school.
2. Harmonizing Learning & Supporting Executive Functioning Through Consistency
From Themba Tutors’ perspective, this consistency is vital for building strong executive functioning skills – the mental processes that help us plan, organize, manage time, and complete tasks…
- How the child learns best: Are they a visual learner? Do they need frequent breaks? Sharing these insights helps both homes provide the most effective support.
- Organizational tools: Using the same type of planner, folder system, or digital calendar across both homes reduces confusion and reinforces good habits.
- Time management strategies: Agreeing on approaches to homework, like “chunking” large assignments into smaller, manageable parts, can significantly boost a child’s ability to plan and execute tasks.
- Designated study spaces: While not always possible, establishing a quiet, consistent place for homework in each home signals the importance of academics and helps children transition into “study mode.”
3. Direct Communication: School Updates, Not Through the Child
I’ve worked with kids who feel stuck in the middle, acting as messengers between parents…
4. Empowering Child Self-Advocacy Through Co-Parent Communication
- Model good communication: When parents communicate respectfully and directly about school matters, children observe how to address issues constructively.
- Coach, don’t rescue: Instead of immediately contacting the teacher if your child forgot their homework, encourage them to write an email themselves (with your guidance)…
- Practice problem-solving: “What’s your plan for catching up on that assignment?” or “How do you think you should approach your teacher about this?”
- Role-play difficult conversations: For older children, practicing how to ask a teacher for help, clarify an assignment, or advocate for an extension can build confidence.
5. Minimizing Parental Conflict in Front of Your Child
This one’s tough, I know. But it’s crucial…
6. Celebrating Academic Wins Together as Co-Parents
This was something I tried really hard to do with my co-parent…
7. Coordinating Support for Your Child’s Academic & Emotional Challenges
If your child is struggling—whether it’s with math homework or anxiety—team up to find help…
8. Holistic Academic Support & Executive Function Coaching Strategies
- Comprehensive Assessments
- Executive Function Coaching
- Skill Transfer
- Proactive Planning
- Emotional-Academic Connection
9. Prioritizing the Child’s Experience in Co-Parenting
This is the emotional heart of it. Divorce is hard. Co-parenting can stir up raw, unresolved feelings between you and your ex. But when it comes to parenting, try to center the question: What will help my child feel most supported right now? Not what’s fair to me, or how do I prove my point but what does my child need from us, together?
Final Thoughts
Honestly, there are some co-parenting challenges that just don’t have neat solutions. For example, I’ll never forget the time I tried to follow the advice to “buy two of everything.” Sounds great in theory, right? But somehow, both baseball gloves, the rain gear, and the homework binder still frequently ended up at the wrong house. That said, while some of the daily chaos may be inevitable and feel out of control, there are things we can solve for. And working together as co-parents—especially when it comes to supporting our child’s emotional and academic life—is absolutely one of them.
Being “divorced but united” is about parenting with purpose—even when it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. You don’t have to be perfect. I wasn’t. But showing your child that you’re still a team when it comes to their well-being? That’s powerful. As Craig Selinger from Themba Tutors, I can wholeheartedly affirm that when co-parents commit to working together on their child’s academic and emotional journey, supporting their executive functioning and fostering their self-advocacy, the positive impact is immeasurable. It’s about demonstrating that even though the family structure may have changed, the unwavering, collaborative support for the child’s growth and well-being remains steadfast.
